cliff diving

oh, love, love, what a toll you exact on we….
the trusting, unsuspecting ones who stand
on the edge of the cliff of our lives
and jump into you….

we, like alice, feel the wind whistling past our ears for a while,
and feel like we are flying, even though we know we are falling,
and it’s rather exhilarating –
‘i did it!’ we say,
‘i jumped!’

‘go, me!’ we giggle as our hearts float up into our throats, and
the clouds and the canyon walls go rushing by in a technicolor
imax theater sort of way,
larger than life, spectacular, beautiful, distracting….

then, during one of our glorious rotations through the air,
in which we feel like we are flying, floating, free,
suspended, protected, guided even,
looking, wondering, loving the amazing preciousness of it all….
then we see the earth looming sort of hinty-like in the distance –
sort of unmoving and constant….
sort of dark, but not forbidding….
but definitely there, and not moving….

and oh, the impact – when we land, and the flying stops,
and parts of us break,
and we say to god, but god, you told me to jump, and i did,
and I trusted you!
and now i hurt, i hurt, i hurt, i can’t believe how much i hurt….

and god says, well i didn’t say it wouldn’t hurt…. i just said – try –
and through your tears you must agree,
you must agree no promises were made….

and you lay there nursing your brokenness
and wishing you’d never jumped,
and then you remember the precious beauty of those red
sandstone walls rushing by,
and how glorious the soft warm air felt on your skin,
like a rush of caresses,
like being held in the arms of something you
could infinitely trust….
like God,
and you remember the lightness you felt in your heart,
the absolute connection to all the world, the elements --
you could smell the pines clinging to the canyon walls,
you could hear the scree of the hawks as they circled high above,
watching, wondering,

and you felt connected to them too….
to the whole huge circle of things that live and die and love….
and you would not trade those moments, those feelings, for one
moment of relief
from this pain you are in now….
this pain of earth,
this sorrow of reality….

it’s living, it’s life, you did it….
you are still connected….

grief connects, too, and pain….
the hugeness of the whole place is still out there,
still waiting for you to bring it into your heart again….

and someday the cycle will come around again,
and you will find yourself at the edge of another cliff,
and god will say jump,
and you will….

and once again, unknown windy fingers that you’ve known forever
will comb through your hair, and touch you in
places you’d forgotten about….

and you will glory in it, glory….
and give thanks…..

aho…..

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© 2010
Beth Anne Boardman

(image courtesy national park service)